It is a fine line between a pattern and a rut. Waking at 4:00am has become a habitual pattern, tilting toward becoming a rut. Mostly because I was too tired to clear off the bed, I slept in the recliner next to the now empty hospital bed. It is the sheer emptiness of it all that haunts me.
Yesterday evening, seeing Sherry's body leave the sanctity of our home and its intimate familiarity was wrenching. It's not that the funeral home workers weren't caring, sensitive, and gentle. It was that I was giving Sherry up to be cared for by institutional others, and the nature of that care being an unknown to me. Jes and I were businesslike and efficient in filling out the inevitable forms. We watched Sherry transfered from bed to gurney, then rolled down the ramp, out through the garage, and into the open doors of the hearse. The hearse drove slowly away, taillights turning its exhaust red. Jes and I turned, walked inside, and held each other up as our bodies convulsed sobs, long and deep. Our loved one had departed in spirit and in body.
Jes returns to Boston on an early flight this morning. He has been here three generous weeks. He couldn't have picked a time more suited to meeting my and Sherry's needs. The value of his presence is inestimable. Now he returns to his Kae, his home, his work, his community. I am proud of his accomplishments. His compassion, kindness, and love serve our tired world well.
I will get out of the house today; outside where my sprit can soar, the ever-present blue dome overhead and the frozen Earth crunching beneath my feet as I take my first steps in gratitude toward the rest of my life.
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We still hold you in our prayers. I'm so sorry you are spending this Christmas without your love Sherry but know you are so loved by so many others and she is with you in spirit.
ReplyDeleteGood Morning Dearest Doug,
ReplyDeleteOur family grieves with you this morning while remembering the simple elegant Sherry in our lives. We are so thankful for the times we had and will forever be changed by her. I will continue to pray for your new journey.
Warmly in Christ on this Christmas morn,
Patty E
Words cannot express the feelings I have today. I am so sorry for the loss of Sherry but cannot help to think that this is the perfect ending to a life well lived. I am thankful for the talk I had with Sherry in regards to our path of cancer. She said she had felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and calm when diagnosed that she could not explain as it was more of a bodily experience. I cannot understand that at this time, but was in awe of her outlook and composure. Her walk with faith is one to admire. Admist the reality that death may be imminent she continued to smile, laugh, and be positive. I questioned her about this and she shared deeply that she just knew all would be okay.....and it was, for her.
ReplyDeleteShe left this life here on Earth the day before her Creator's Son is Celebrated, not the day of. Is this not so like Sherry? She was able to be in Heaven and look down upon the Celebration of Christmas in a Spiritual State many will not know. I know for this author Sherry touched my life in 2 short hours over Tea in a way I never thought possible and I am ever so thankful for it.
Doug, my heart goes out to you at this time and may I have the strength as your loved one to handle my situation ever so graciously. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions here on this blog. Deepest sorrow, Diane